It’s three in the morning, and I’m shopping for men.
This is pathetic. Instead of REM dreaming I’m cyberdreaming: bleary-eyed ogling of grainy 15-year-old profile photos featuring long-vanished physiques and hair, hoping for a heart blitzkrieg.
Mate-hunting like this is natural behavior – well, in a machine-mediated, anonymous-stalker sort of way. But I still find this mode of ‘meeting’ people disconcerting. How do I know somebody else didn’t dress them for their photos? How do I even know the pictures are of them? And what’s their scent like? These are pretty fundamental.
Although I felt dubious about the whole affair – er, that is, endeavor, I checked out a great number of m4w (men seeking women) personals ads on five different dating sites, and even responded to a few. My ultimate decision? A monastic life might not actually be so bad.
Here’s a composite m4w ad you won’t be able to resist. It’s compiled of actual bits from actual ads I felt actual hope about, briefly. Now the rest of you grrls – married, single, gleefully queer – can share the m4w cyberdating experience. I did not make one line of it up. (I did, however, fix a LOT of spelling and grammar. Just imagine what it was like before!)
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I’m Available Again Line Up Ladies! (m4w)
Romeo seeks Juliet –an looking for true love an no drama im here waiting. I heard about [this dating site] and thought.. Shirley This Must Be A Sign!
Firstly, I should tell you I am an attractive, slime, 50 year old virgin looking for a girlfriend in female form. A girl with money for dating, maybe more. A big gril four a kiss when i get home and how your day and its ok. Now I have gone on lots of dates with women over the years but I haven’t got any yet.
Now I can whip anyone’s butt in plant ecology. One third of my masters thesis was on plant ecology and female botanists may be beautiful but I know plant ecology and related subjects better such as soils and hydrology and climate better than anyone. —oh and I will mention I am a big expert on frogs and western pond turtles. I really probably am number one in the world on solar ovens and they are great but high performance ovens require some skill to build. I could talk about solar ovens for days. I am really sweet.
I have previously answered ads, though I have’nt posted. So , amidst great skepticism on the forum, I post for the first time. My skepticism is in the validity and integrity of the posts herein, as my responses to previous ads have just calloused me, as I laugh at the variety of different perceptions lie herein. When I do get responses the women are out of shape & meat eaters to boot.
I am an executive, I am a forklift enthusiast. I am not actually 50. I’m nearly divorced. Stocky. Love kids – I don’t have any although I have a cat. I work alot. I don’t have money and have had a shoulder injury, divorce and other finacial set backs that have taken a heavy toll. Living on an unintentioned comune in the woods. Three ex-wives, disabled verteran, three grandsons and I have herpes. But with hard work I’m sure I’ll pull through.
I really do hate my life. About 2 days out of 7, I want it just to be over and done with. Many of the women on dating sites seem to be very happy with their lives. They’ve reached middle age and they have family, dogs, lots of friends and money to travel with. If this is you…GET LOST! I want someone who knows what it’s like to SUFFER! Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly….decade by decade. On the other hand, I’d prefer it if you weren’t taking Prozac! I’d rather you were managing your misery thru natural means.
My friends would say that I am clever, quick whited, honest, cuminicative, sentsitive, humorus, work in my yard or just being David. I’ve been overseas several times to explore other cultures, and feel thats important trait.
Generous lover (she always comes first and often). I love to please allmost as much as I love to be pleased. I love being a good fiend and/or lover. I will show you a fine cheesecake. I’m glad my tool is not a monster, freaky size.
Let me tell you a few things about myself and some of my opinions: I want to have a billion dollars and a submarine. Dogs are filthy and disgusting. I like 70s midget porn. I won’t wine you and dine you because I think dating’s stupid.
If you’ve read this far I should say my body is 6’2, 200# full lips, indoor feet, clean cut and boy nest door looking. Smart, Whitty, knows the difference between “to” and “Too”, “They’re”, “Their” and “There”… i like to walk and go in the park to. Don’t enjoy being bored most of the time.
You: Fun. You look good; you have perky boobies and a nice booty. Nice assets. In fact, I am not really interested in dating a woman with less than D size breasts. No mutts need apply. No redheads. You’re are not into my brand new bimmer (I don’t have one). I don’t really care about your age (please be under 45 a man has to have standards). If you like world peace, Toaism, butterflies and dolphins, we’re off to a good start. Must have truck, boat, good dog, decoys, can call and don’t mind cleaning ducks. Shaven Armpits and Legs a must. I tend to prefer single and must say that I am most attracted to someone who is STD free.
Do you think you’re ready for me? LETS HAVE A GLASS OF WINE? DAY TRIP TO HARBIN? a SHARKS GAME? wARRIORS? Lets try a go to a sinphony toghether. If you want to camp, All the better. I have a 3 bedroom tent. So if you dont like me you can have your space. NO FARTING IN THE TENT GIRL, Or else. I’m a fit loving guy, Please be real. I’m not going to baby you.
I’m casting out the line… let’s see how go the bait/bites are. I know your reading this. If you cool with me hit me up lets talk. Cough your hairball up but keep it under 5000 words, please. Your photo begets mine. Will send you MINE BLESSING TO YOU. Ciao for now. If you are still reading this I am amazed.
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Indigenize! 